To what we were.

You sneak into my daydreams & I smile. One would usually snap out of it, but I welcome you to stay for as long as you want. I hope you feel honoured that daily, you’re still in my daydreams. Standing beside me, smiling as you have your hand around my shoulder. It comforts me that I still have you by my side. You invade my nights, as I stare at the ceiling. I keep thinking what I should have said or done instead of that dreadful letter that unravelled the red string that tied us together. I treasured every moment with you, believe it or not.

Those lonely trips I take to the bay just remind me more about you -how’d you excitedly tell about how much you cycled from the beach to the bay. The restaurant we went to and realised that maybe we weren’t as monetarily prepared as we should have been. As I walk along the river, I see a holographic image walking in front of me. An image of two people, hand in hand, smiles so wide. I realise that that’s my ideal pictorial. Today, that image has an empty space, a space that you created and awaits to be filled.

Memories of all those late night conversations rush in – how we planned to have a wall full of our memories of travel and a room dedicated to just our love of games and figurines. The walls would be plastered with posters and the shelves would be our motivation of late nights of endless gaming. Those nights we don’t feel like it, how we’d be on the couch, staring into night skyline of our windows. Sharing the little things about our day and accompanying each other through the big ones. & that’s when I snap back to reality, that was not going to happen. Instead, just to make ourselves to feel a little better, we promised to be housemates. That isn’t the same though.

Now that I think back, you showed me a side of me I never knew existed. I always thought I’d be emotionless and not affected by anything sweet. At that point of time, romance was the genre I disliked. It looked so unrealistic, it didn’t make any sense to me. How could one possibly lose all rationality upon just meeting a person and getting into a relationship. It happened to me. I’d spend ridiculous amounts of times on a present, just to make sure it really reflected how I felt. All this new things I indulged in, brought out a facet of me that I didn’t recognise – a facet that wanted to be caring, supportive & loving.

What I don’t understand is why we ended up that way. I suppose as time went by, our expectations for each other grew as well. Maybe that’s where it started going wrong, we were disappointed when it didn’t go our way. Was it the circumstances of having a national exam looming closer & closer, that could possibly decide the futures of our lives. Or was it simply the distance that only grew larger with time, thanks to the unwanted attention we got. The growing silence, not only played with my emotions, it made me doubtful that maybe we aren’t what we used to be. I would not shy away from the fact, that the distance I felt with you around, triggered my insecurities and issues. I couldn’t possibly blame you though, we had made it very clear from the start. Topping all priorities, were our grades. We’d forgo what we were if that meant maintaining or improving them. Evidently, the reason why we aren’t what we used to be is still not known to me.

Even now, some nights, I become vulnerable. I open our chat and close it again. There’s something I want to say, but it sounds ridiculous even to me. – “Tell me, are there days or even nights were you wished that just maybe, we could go back to what we were.”   If that thought never crossed your mind, then we certainly aren’t on the same page. I wouldn’t ask you that though, I don’t want to risk putting us into a weird slump. Some days, I feel like asking you to be by my side more, to be my pillar of support and if maybe I could be the same to you. Other days, I wish we had started much later or I got to know you much earlier. Maybe if I had been more understanding of the circumstances we were in before I decided unilaterally that it wasn’t meant to be. I hold you responsible for all those mindless, instantaneous attractions I experience, just to fill that void that you once used to fill. It makes me question myself, if I actually did like the person or am I just desperate to replace you. I would only be crazy to think that somehow you’d be replaced, or maybe you’ll be, with time to come.

Now, we call ourselves – Best friends. What it was before what tied us with a red line. I never expected it, to be in touch with you after that fateful day. I didn’t know how to start the conversation days after, but I did and here we are today. I thank you for knowing how to keep promises, promises that I assumed meant nothing to you. If you hadn’t, I just might have never been able to forgive myself for ruining something as special as that friendship. What was weird that I became much more comfortable with you after stepping back to being friends. We hung out a lot more, we spoke more freely, our jokes were more ruthless. You made me feel at peace with who I was as a person. You have been my reliable support, my endless lake of encouragement and motivation and so much more. In all, it felt so much more better. I felt closer to you, more than when we were together. So much closer.

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful & long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right & what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while or just  be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.

– Emery Allen

I don’t expect us to return to what we were, I’m not sure if I even want us to. I love what we are now, friends of the highest calibre. I take great pride when I tell people that I have you as my closest friend. I say these words to a lot of people, that I’m thankful that they are with me in that point of time. Key phrase -“that point in time”- for people come and go. Here’s the deal, more than anyone else that I call friends, I’m the most thankful that I have you. Our friendship started unexpectedly, followed through as future gave us more opportunities to work and understand each other. We got close over the hobbies we shared & the passions we had. We appreciated each other for who we really are, we let our guards down. Now we stand, as bare as we can be emotionally, and you’re still here. I still see you in front of me. You have been there from the very start and I want you there till the very end. Thank you for keeping this friendship of ours going.

To what we were, it was a stepping stone to what we are today. At the end of the day, what REALLY matters is what we are now.

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