Posts by Shrey

I'm Shreya. I'm 17. I'm an amalgam of different interests and experiences. I write and take photos of subjects that interest me. I enjoy slam poetry, thought experiments & philosphy. I also really like Batman (comics). I'm a freethinker, letsist to be specific, & I'm free to think. 👻 @shhhreyyy

Revival

After such a long break, I suppose I would have to reintroduce myself. I am Shreya, and I’m 18 now (really don’t see a difference). Welcome (back) to my blog.

I disappeared lately. No posts, no long monologues of my true emotions. Many reasons why but they’re all excuses. I figured that I only turn to this platform in times of great confusion and grief. I’m not exactly sure if that’s a good thing yet, but we’ll figure it sometime. That would then beg the question: why am I suddenly writing again? I needed an escape. Something tangible. Something by me for me. Something I could look back on. A reservoir of mere epiphanies to nights of just compounded thoughts – the ride of my imagination on a high.

IMG_1966I feel cornered by my inability and fears – a day doesn’t pass by without imagining varying ends and their consequences. The one thing that I am assured of is the fact that I won’t do it. More like, I wouldn’t be able to do it. As a young child, I have been scared of everything. Despite acting like a rebel wannabe, truth be told I am scared of going beyond the boundaries. Fear of something unexpected happening, having to deal with negative consequences, thinking of elaborate excuses doesn’t seem like my forte.

Speaking of which, past few days, I just really realized how much stuff I’ve never done – either because I follow my parents’ ideals (I think a better way to put it is my desperate attempts to achieve their expectations) or I just never saw the need to. Call me inexperienced, I never tried a long list of things – & I doubt I’ll have the guts to do it in the future. With pop culture, my tolerance has built up but on the other hand, my acceptance levels have plunged with time. As I become older, I can feel my parents loosening their reigns (at a slower rate than the growth rates of grass) and that makes me feel both apprehensive yet assured. Assured that I have done my part of abiding by expectation through the years for which they now trust me to make better decisions on my own. Apprehensive because I am walking away from a secure reign, one that ensured that I never deviated from safety. After years of hearing my mother tell me about things she expects me never to do, more than a choice, it has become my law to abide by. Being a legal teenager in an environment that is widely said to a person’s oyster to experiment, it is definite that peer pressure and curiosity calls you more than responsibility. In my case, my curiosity is outweighed by the countless graphic images of what could possibly go wrong. Nowadays, I seek shelter by staying home or just studying at my usual study areas – out of sight, out of mind, am I right?

This thought also came about from my everlasting friendships (sarcasm intended). I have an invaluable skill – I can keep people close, yet in reality, they are much further away from me. Once it hits the bar, no further progress is made and the relationship just stagnates. What is this bar I speak of? I am not sure of this myself. Many times, it ends abruptly. Maybe because I’m unable to go past a point. Maybe because I’m afraid that people realise that who I am online would not match up to the mask of reality. I never initiate purely recreational trips. I’ve only imagined it – from start to finish. I never got to know someone beyond their current state, beyond the time that we spent together. I just never bothered.

 

IMG_1669Why? This thought that has been etched in my mind since young, especially after my grandfather’s passing – no one is here to stay. What motivation do we then have to create meaningful relationships in which people understand each other? After all, that person would leave and the effort has to invested again from the very beginning to build such a stable and strong bond.

This has especially become a reality for me. With many close friends who are guys, I feel like all of them are being purged from my life with their impending enlistment and with University awaiting me. Give it time, it creates drifts. Drifts become insurmountable distances and oddly it becomes walls of memories.

I’ve grown to become afraid of reaching out to people. This highly overwhelming thought of how everyone has their own load to lift and how interconnected we all are hit me on the way home from a celebration. I was about to alight the train when I happened to catch a glimpse of the screen of the person in front of me. It had a message of only a few words “She passed on”, but its weight was far heavier to bear. I alighted but panic grappled me. I always knew there would always be an end, an abrupt one at that. More than the person who passed, it’s the people left behind who bear the brunt.

If you guys didn’t know already, after years exposed to the various identities, I thought I found the one for me. I suppose one of the perks of knowing what you identify as (although largely still up for evaluation), you get to classify attractions from interests much more easily, what to pursue and what is being pursued already, what to appreciate and what to own. It caught me off guard when I found myself deviating from the ideal situation. A part of me craved to be free from the mould, just as a guilty pleasure, just like the forbidden fruit. I suppose that has made me now motivated to indoctrinate myself with the much greater intensity of what my beliefs are and what my course of actions are. Well, a new addition to my new mantra courses would definitely have to include how to resist temptations outside the regime.

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I almost made the mistake of ruining a perfectly loving friendship which was a form of support and relief for me again. Every single time, I make that mistake. Why wouldn’t I learn? Because sometimes things of the heart don’t exactly fall perfectly with the threads of my mind. It’s okay though because more than that, my once impenetrable belief that this would remain has been so badly shaken. I seem to forget the reality and get swept away by the flows of my wild imagination.

I’m afraid that our comfort with silence becomes our excuse to be silent. I’m afraid that in my mindless liking, I lose the meaning of our origins and the weight of how we came to be.

I had a long post written about how the past had dismantled my ability to feel that sensation, I never came around to posting it. That wasn’t it. Rationality kicked it out. I saw that such sensations had no space in what little memory I have. Thankful for my subconscious for doing what I needed. I am quite happy with the way I feel. Knowing that it’s only an attraction, there will be no pursuit and no effort, a greater appreciation for the present rather than the hopefuls. Knowing that you won’t make mistakes, neither suffer, neither be caught up in this web of ifs and maybes. I’m attracted. That’s the end of it. No fear, no sleepless nights.

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Batman #24

I find great relief and satisfaction with knowing at the end of the day, I’ll always be in love with a fictional character (Batman) and an inspiring individual. It also haunts me at times that this is purely fictional and maybe I wouldn’t feel as strongly about anything in reality. Batman has also settled down to be with Catwoman; is it time for me to move on as well?

 

I should write more. That felt good.

 

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A better ME

Everyone’s on the bandwagon of resolutions for the new year. Honestly, I spent more hours on social media this week than the time I’ve ever spent going shopping for clothes. Even Snapchat had a special stream of “New year, New Me.”  I watched the snaps sardonically. Previously, I believed quite strongly in that concept like the innocent person I used to be. I believed that as the new year rolled in, I’d be magically renewed to be able to become someone I aspired to be. It never happened though. I never allowed it.

These past few new years that I experienced were not about creating a new me, but various opportunities to clear up the steam on the mirror to know myself better. At various points, I also picked up new accessories to better embellish this person I have come to become. I also left behind old habits I wasn’t happy with. I realised that a new year didn’t necessarily mean a new me, it could just mean I could create a better version of me, an enhanced version.

“the clothing he had worn, by now unbearably old and too tight, could be discarded at last. A new suit was waiting for him.”- Herman Hesse, The Glass Bead Game.

Last year, 2016, was an eye-opening year for me in so many unimaginable ways. 2016 marked the start of my final 2 years in a formal education system. As exhilarated I was when I started it, I am now struggling to continue being motivated. I’ve come to meet many interesting people – all with different stories and experiences. Some make me smile, some drive me up the wall, some guide me when I assume there’s a dead-end. I also was introduced to the world of philosophy through Demian (thanks to BTS) and then Yuri On Ice. I finally found out what happens when I break under pressure. I started doing what I loved – writing and photography. I committed myself to a space to freely express myself. I finally become aware of world affairs and even local ones thanks to the introduction of General Paper. I finally stepped out of my world to become one with our world, the world we share. The year also completely proved that I was not crafted to appreciate the sciences in any way. This realisation brought about the post-promotional exam crisis where I intensely deliberated about staying back another year and doing subjects I actually liked and felt motivated to study. After some heated debates with the family, I succumbed to my fate. After all, it’s only one more year. ONE MORE YEAR of struggling with things and people I disliked. I also experienced new cultures and educational environments through my Junior College (JC) journey and a trip to Hong Kong University (HKU). In all, 2016 was an important year in crafting who I am.

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The new year literally started with a bang with the Turkey nightclub attack. I wasn’t surprised. As much as I wish to not admit it, 2017 will be the year that will ultimately define my path in life, for I’ll be attempting the currently unsurmountable A-Levels. After writing that examination, I’d be set to go to university. PSLE & O’s were child’s play to what I am going to write this year. As much as I wish to argue that society emphasises too much on grades, ultimately that’s not changing this year so I still need to channel my attention to attempting to pulling up my socks. The result of this year will create an irreversible chain of decisions. Also, I’m turning legal this year. I’m going to be 18, a person whose decisions would be recognised by the country. I will now be seen as someone who has adult-like maturity. The thing is, I don’t have that. I never actually explored that concept of maturity, except when I make age-inappropriate jokes. I’m actually convinced that this year would be a rollercoaster, hopefully just not one that goes down all the way.

& all of this is purely in my hands.  It’s a lot of pressure, a lot of drama, a lot more mental persuasion and control needed. I’m scared, to say the least. I do realise this is an elusive attempt. The past year, late nights held secrets I do not ever wish to revisit. It spelt times of despair, loneliness and confusion like a lost deer coupled with blinding headlights. Knowing beforehand that there would be more times of this intense self-questioning doesn’t help me look forward to the year. Let alone motivate me to strive to achieve my goals.

Since it’s a new year, I thought it would be apt to make resolutions, especially because it’s an important year for me. The chances I finish it through the year is highly unlikely, I’ll put in my utmost effort in keeping it up. It’s a promise to myself.

  • Respect my hobbies.

The years I’ve spent in secondary school and now my junior college have allowed me to experience a lot of activities. I gathered a lot of hobbies in that time, just there was one mistake I made every single time. I would find any reason to discredit my efforts or ability and abandon my hobbies all together. The thing is, a hobby isn’t meant to enhance your abilities. If you are able to make your hobby your talent, you’re one of the lucky few but the purpose of an hobby is not that. It’s for you to discover yourself and take you to another place, away from your reality. I really want to use this year to spend some time with useful (Keyword: Useful) hobbies and get in touch with who I am.

  • Prioritisation is your priority.

I spent last year in a daze. I spent most of my time on shows and music. I’m going to cut off the dramas, just for this year. Note: I’m not saying shows, but dramas specifically, because other shows come once a week and do not ruin my schedules. I binge-watch dramas. Having to wait for another episode hurts me deeply, especially those with cliffhangers. Guess who has all the time after A’s to binge. That’s right, I do. So, let go of the dramas now.

Make realistic schedules. Having my calendar filled with colour columns stretching across three hours is aesthetically beautiful but I never stick to it. I lose patience once I exceed 1.5 hours. That’s my golden number. Stick with it.

  • Learn to accept…me.

img_0459Previously, I wrote about my fears in which I mentioned that I was afraid about being the odd-ball of the group. I still am afraid, but I need to spend my time more usefully. It’s important for me to understand that no one constantly  thinks about me being weird and questions it.  Everyone has their problems and checklists. I should think about the bigger problems I have – here’s a hint, my grades.  Just go with it, your actions shape you. It is my choices brought me here, shaped me to become who I am. Spending time blaming myself over past is the best waste of time. I know that, I just forget it 99% of the time. Also, it’s fine to be a terrible person – saves you more trouble than you think. Just respect everyone around you, but their opinions do not ever dictate who you are.

  • Don’t be scared of new things.

This doesn’t even apply for the first 11 months of 2017. Recently I have wanted to learn new skills like dancing (largely due to my attraction to Korean pop dance breaks), to explore new places, etc. I never got down to it, for various reasons. Or should I say extremely convincing excuses. It’s not getting me anywhere really.

  • Hold on. Survive.

img_1785This year would be a year of challenges for me. I have to deal with things I wished I’d never had to experience.  It’s okay. Take a deep breath there. Hear me out. It’s only for less than a year (< 365 days). Don’t break. A couple of cracks is inevitable but never shatter. Depending on the circumstance, what I just said could give you a panic attack. Sorry about that.

  • Just write.

I can’t emphasise on this enough. Words give me peace. Having my thoughts strung in a way I can understand it gives me a sense of security and satisfaction. Write whenever you can, it’s one of the best things I can do for myself now. Pen against paper & the chatters of the keyboard give you more solace than human interaction. & that’s completely fine. Don’t ever feel like you have no way to express yourself. The only person you’ll ever need to express yourself clearly to is yourself. Others do not matter, especially this year.

When in doubt : Write

When in need for emotional support : Write

When confronted by new ideas : Write.

When expressing your thoughts : Write.

Just write.

That’s it for my resolutions for this year. I’ll try my very best to be committed, for all of that helps me to become a better version of Shrey.

Special Shoutouts:

@2017, please don’t test me this year.

@Shrey, you can do this…hopefully. I’m praying for you.